sandandcandles

   I’ve always been big.  Plus-size, curvy, voluptuous, Rubenesque, thick, full-figured… all those nice-sounding words people use when in the back of my mind I’m silently praying that my shirt fits ok enough to not outline my rolls, and that my jeans are forgiving enough to not over-emphasize my “leftovers”.  There was a time when I hated myself for being fat, (250) for not having energy to keep up with the kids, and where I actually made a habit of eating in private to spare judgement from others for what or how much I was eating.  I was desperate for energy and a figure that I could take out in public. So I discovered a drug in 1998 that gave me energy, stopped my hunger, and magically made my fat (and skin, and hair) melt away (170), I allowed it into my home, into my life… and became a slave to it.  I lost damn near everything, quit, and to relieve the anxiety that came from quitting a 3 YEAR habit cold turkey (2001), picked up the ever-so-lovely urban herbal cure for all that ails. So, Body suddenly compensated for 40 months of not eating or sleeping, and here came back ALL the weight(back to 258). 2 years later, enter a last-minute ass-kicking out of my extended pity party; gym routine, concientious diet, and self worth enough to escape my marriage. By the way, I am currently chemically free, and love my life that way.

Shortly after finding my self confidence and single status (at age 28 with two children), I also found the most delicious, exciting, warm, charming 20 yr old who for some reason, liked ME.   HUH!?  He’s the quarterback, the party guy, the spiky-haired-Abercrombie-model type with washboard abs and baby blue eyes that young girls watch and older women wish to seduce. And he loves this mess. This jiggling, lost, bumbly bounce of a woman. He LOVES ME. I knew 10 days after we met that I would spend the rest of my life with this man. I love him.  I am going to marry him, and God willing, have babies, dogs, and dreams. He is serving the next 20 months. He had gained a lot of weight during our relationship (I’m a mom, I feed people!), but has lost 50 lbs during training and is back to his rock-hard abs, pecs, and those little dents on the front of guys hips that take my breath away.

He loves me the way I am- Hell, I love me the way I am, BUT, the thought of having to shop in the plus-size department for a wedding dress? (This is, by the way where “sand and candles” came from. His family’s from Hawaii, and we plan to get married on their beach. Every letter he writes until we’re together, he signs it “til sand and candles”; but back to the dress…). Sure, there are pretty gowns, but just like bathing suits, they SCREAM “I was designed for a fat chick”. Gestational diabetes? No thank you! Not being able to get pregnant at all because of age (I’ll be 34) and weight? HELL NO. I owe this transformation to myself, my children, my future husband, and my future children. I am who I want to be, now I want the body to match the sexy goddess I know I hold within.

I have nothing but time- it’s not a “now” goal like swim season in 3 months, this is long term. I am giving myself the next 12 months to get into shape- to go from 33% body fat (228 lbs, size 16/18) to 21% (170 lbs/size 10), and at least one year after that to custom match my lifestyle to maintain it.

If you’re reading this, you’ve already encouraged me, and I would love to be there for you as well. Please comment or contact me…. I’m new so I don’t really know how this buddy system works, but I’ll figure it out pretty quick.