sandandcandles

Wow, I really thought I had that whole “self-discipline” thing down.  

Whoops.

Here I am, back on BuddySlim, after what, a year or two of totally neglecting my own health? Tsk, tsk, self! A couple weeks ago I was at the doctor & weighed in at 250. *sigh* Shouldn’t I be that vision of hotness, in a stringy bikini running up the beach with wavy hair and firm breasts by now? Jeez, I let life get the better of me, what with all the stress, distractions, drama, and every excuse in the world to try and catch up on that ever-evasive sleep. Being fat, I seem to catch myself bouncing between “I’m not awake yet” and “I need a nap!”. I’m not depressed, and I never seem to get enough time to myself to become lonely, but Lordy, it’s really tiring being this big! I just googled that Body-Mass-Index thingy, and there it was in black-and-white. I AM OBESE. Well, that’s upsetting, isn’t it? I think about it every day- “I should just get down during commercials and do some crunches”, or “Maybe I’ll wake up early and go walking”. No I won’t. I think I’m the same weight as my husband (within about 10 lbs or so), which doesn’t sound awful, but he is 6-foot-5-inches of muscled, quarterback-like beefyness with a comfy layer of “I-could-rip-this-in-2-weeks” fluff over all. Aw, damn…. Physically, he’s perfect, and me? I’ve been discovering parts of my body that are starting to look like month-old deflated balloons (Um, Hello? Upper arms and inner thighs? I demand you explain yourself immediately!). Sh*t. Now I have to work out. Well, I have managed to set up at least the next 6 months in motivation. I returned to college this past semester and for spring, I’ve signed up for the Fitness Center (on-campus gym for school credit) and Body Sculpting class twice a week. It’s on my schedule, I have to go.  I’m taking the BS class with a girl from my psych class who’s got a rocking hot bod already, and for whatever reason, thought I would be a great motivater to work out with? Silly girl, but ok. And, I signed up my hubby for the Fitness Center with me so he can use all those years of weight lifting/circuit training/perfect-body-having to bust my butt into shape. He was a trainer at 24Hr Fitness for a while, so he’d better.

Anyways, Happy Birthday to me… Committing to this is the best present I can give myself.

Exercise: Swam about 20 laps yesterday, Kids came home from dad’s so hung out with them.

Food: 2 toaster waffles before gym, 6 in Subway cold-cut-combo w extra veggies. Got a load of banana peppers instead of cookies- hey, great nibbles!

I’d rather get into a exercise routine than focus on my diet- Diet’s ok when I’m home long enough to cook, and when I’m not, I eat a lot of chicken, sushi, beans & protein (yay, mexican food!),  and fruit/veggies. But then there are days when I really want cake. So, I get a slice & eat 4 or 5 bites & am satisfied. Better to indulge your cravings a little bit than hold off & binge later.

Weight: 227

Exercise: Swam laps for half hour yesterday, goggles kept leaking so I had to break every couple to refit them. Oh well, they’re new so I just have to break them in. Put me out of breath a little, definitely would have been sweating if I hadn’t been in water.

Food: 2 toaster waffles in the AM, with a little olive oil based butter sub. Then a 6 in Subway club- extra veggies & banana peppers, light ranch & sweet onion, was full for the rest of the day.  Honestly, I prefer to eat what I want in moderation, then exercise to work it off. Everything is ok IN MODERATION.  (3 bites of chocolate cake is better than saying no, no, no, and getting up at 2 AM to eat half the cake!)

Working 60 hrs this week, won’t leave much time to go to the gym, but won’t have time to nibble much either. This blows!  I wish I had some rice cakes or crackers with cottage cheese!

   I’ve always been big.  Plus-size, curvy, voluptuous, Rubenesque, thick, full-figured… all those nice-sounding words people use when in the back of my mind I’m silently praying that my shirt fits ok enough to not outline my rolls, and that my jeans are forgiving enough to not over-emphasize my “leftovers”.  There was a time when I hated myself for being fat, (250) for not having energy to keep up with the kids, and where I actually made a habit of eating in private to spare judgement from others for what or how much I was eating.  I was desperate for energy and a figure that I could take out in public. So I discovered a drug in 1998 that gave me energy, stopped my hunger, and magically made my fat (and skin, and hair) melt away (170), I allowed it into my home, into my life… and became a slave to it.  I lost damn near everything, quit, and to relieve the anxiety that came from quitting a 3 YEAR habit cold turkey (2001), picked up the ever-so-lovely urban herbal cure for all that ails. So, Body suddenly compensated for 40 months of not eating or sleeping, and here came back ALL the weight(back to 258). 2 years later, enter a last-minute ass-kicking out of my extended pity party; gym routine, concientious diet, and self worth enough to escape my marriage. By the way, I am currently chemically free, and love my life that way.

Shortly after finding my self confidence and single status (at age 28 with two children), I also found the most delicious, exciting, warm, charming 20 yr old who for some reason, liked ME.   HUH!?  He’s the quarterback, the party guy, the spiky-haired-Abercrombie-model type with washboard abs and baby blue eyes that young girls watch and older women wish to seduce. And he loves this mess. This jiggling, lost, bumbly bounce of a woman. He LOVES ME. I knew 10 days after we met that I would spend the rest of my life with this man. I love him.  I am going to marry him, and God willing, have babies, dogs, and dreams. He is serving the next 20 months. He had gained a lot of weight during our relationship (I’m a mom, I feed people!), but has lost 50 lbs during training and is back to his rock-hard abs, pecs, and those little dents on the front of guys hips that take my breath away.

He loves me the way I am- Hell, I love me the way I am, BUT, the thought of having to shop in the plus-size department for a wedding dress? (This is, by the way where “sand and candles” came from. His family’s from Hawaii, and we plan to get married on their beach. Every letter he writes until we’re together, he signs it “til sand and candles”; but back to the dress…). Sure, there are pretty gowns, but just like bathing suits, they SCREAM “I was designed for a fat chick”. Gestational diabetes? No thank you! Not being able to get pregnant at all because of age (I’ll be 34) and weight? HELL NO. I owe this transformation to myself, my children, my future husband, and my future children. I am who I want to be, now I want the body to match the sexy goddess I know I hold within.

I have nothing but time- it’s not a “now” goal like swim season in 3 months, this is long term. I am giving myself the next 12 months to get into shape- to go from 33% body fat (228 lbs, size 16/18) to 21% (170 lbs/size 10), and at least one year after that to custom match my lifestyle to maintain it.

If you’re reading this, you’ve already encouraged me, and I would love to be there for you as well. Please comment or contact me…. I’m new so I don’t really know how this buddy system works, but I’ll figure it out pretty quick.